Yes, I Am a Vampire by Stephen Kozeniewski

January 15, 2025 By Leave a Comment


Yes, I Am a Vampire by Stephen Kozeniewski
Publisher: French Press Publishing
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Non-Fiction, Holiday, Contemporary, Historical
Rating: 5 Stars
Reviewed by Astilbe

Despite all the evidence to the contrary, I swear I am not a vampire. Cross my heart and…eh, nevermind.

Just trust me, there are no vampires within these pages. Plenty of zombies, though. One of the short stories in this book features a zombie caveman, for instance. And another is called Exploding Shit Zombies. You can probably guess what that one’s about.

Not every story is zombie-themed, of course. I’ve also got a monster under the bed piece that’s pretty fucking scary. And in another, a bunch of little alien goblins take over a farmstead.

This isn’t just a short story collection, either. Half of it’s my autobiography. I guarantee you’ve never seen those two styles mashed together before.

I also guarantee you’ve never seen any fucking vampires before. Not here. Not anywhere. So let’s just drop it.

What do you mean, bloodstains all over the book? Don’t worry about those. Just wipe the gore off your fingers and dive in to…

Yes, I Am A Vampire

Truth and fiction are sometimes opposite faces of the same coin.

Before I dive into this collection, let’s talk about the notes that were included after each instalment to explain how the author came up with them and, in some cases, got them published. I’m the sort of reader who loves learning this sort of background information and always reads it. There were so many exciting tidbits here, many of which helped me enjoy certain stories even more than I had before. I definitely recommend checking out these sections if you don’t normally read them. They were well worth my time.

This may be the first time a swear word has ever appeared in one of my reviews for Long and Short Reviews, but I can’t talk about “Exploding Shit Zombies” without breaking that social convention for a moment. May my editor forgive me! Yes, the premise is exactly what it sounds like, and this fan of undead fiction who knows better than to use the common word for such creatures was quite curious to discover why these walkers are so full of, ahem, feces in this universe. The reason made a great deal of sense and made me wonder why this topic isn’t covered more often in this subgenre. I also enjoyed the jokes sprinkled throughout this one. They fit the tongue-in-cheek tone of it well.

The prehistoric setting of “The Man with Four Scars” grabbed my attention immediately, especially once I realized this was set at a time when hominids had just begun speaking a few words to each other but had not yet come up with the concept of names yet. The protagonist – or maybe I should say antagonist – was a violent and impulsive individual who was terribly jealous of anyone who was more intelligent than him. Creating such an unlikable main character is a brave choice even for the horror genre, and I kept reading as I wondered if there was going to be a moment when I was anything other than irritated by and frightened of the danger he posed to the other members of his tribe. My fingers are crossed I will find more prehistoric horror in the future as this was deliciously chilling to read.

Let’s see if I can include one of my favorite pieces, “The Old Man and the Seesaw,” in here without giving away any spoilers about it. This was set in a universe where there was a grey area between life and death that more and more folks were beginning to inhabit, and it specifically shared how the first person to survive in this hazy place managed to do so. I was impressed with how creative this was, especially given the vivid descriptions of what happened and how the living characters reacted to it.

One of my favorite parts of being a book reviewer is getting to know more about the authors who submit their work for review. It doesn’t happen all the time, of course, but every so often I get to read a funny anecdote about the author’s life in the preface or learn more about how their mind works by reading the notes some writers are generous enough to include after each short story in a collection or anthology. While I’ve never met Mr. Kozeniewski, reading this made me feel like I was fortunate enough to go out to a pub or a coffee house with him for a few hours and hear about some of the many creative ideas rattling around in his skull.

Yes, I Am a Vampire reminded me why I love this author’s work so much. What a treat!

Filed Under: Non-Fiction, Reviews, Science Fiction/Fantasy Tagged With: , , , , , , ,

Razortooth by Stephen Kozeniewski and Stevie Kopas

August 7, 2024 By Leave a Comment


Razortooth by Stephen Kozeniewski and Stevie Kopas
Publisher: French Press Publishing
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, LGBTQ, Historical, Contemporary
Rating: 3 Stars
Reviewed by Astilbe

Belladonna Beauregard is an ordinary Georgia peach, worried about nothing in the world more complicated than running around, fishing, and playing in the woods.

Then the bombs drop.

Instantly, America is reduced to ash. Millions die, and in the aftermath, a cruel, vigilante militia seeks to takes over the irradiated Geiger Lands from their base in Belladonna’s commandeered home.

And Belladonna…changes.

Changes into a mutant. A killer. An assassin, enslaved and forced to kill for the very people who destroyed her home and family.

But Belladonna is about to break free, like a butterfly from a bloodstained cocoon. And she’s about to become the legendary slasher known as…

RAZORTOOTH

Survival is a game.

One of the things I liked most about the main character was seeing how she survived so many different catastrophes that should have killed her. Razortooth was a resourceful and intelligent person who paid close attention to her surroundings and was always on alert for danger. While I can’t say I’d necessarily want to meet her in a dark alleyway given how jumpy she could be, I was fascinated by how her difficult childhood and early adulthood shaped her into the warrior she became.

I would have liked to see more world building in this book. Life after a nuclear war would be radically different than anything that came before it, so I was hoping to see more explanations of how people survived in a world where most living things had either been killed off or seriously affected by radiation. Obviously, there is plenty of artistic license to be taken with such a concept and I wouldn’t expect everything to have a scientific explanation, but I still found myself wishing for many more details about how it all worked and how the small fraction of humanity who did survive managed to eke out a living in such a hostile and dangerous environment.

Horror appeals to me in large part because of its willingness to explore topics that many other genres tend to shy away from or even ignore entirely. To give one example, Razortooth lived in a violently sexist society where women were, for the most part, seen as objects to be used instead of people to be respected and listened to. Being exposed to such things can warp people’s minds in all sorts of terrible ways, and I thought the gore and violence in this book was a good metaphor not only for how any sort of prejudice will destroy a society but also for how attempts to resist it can be both consciously and unconsciously misconstrued and fought against by people who want to preserve the status quo and retain their power in it. The beginning and the ending are particularly good examples of this theme once the reader figures out how they tie into the rest of it, but that’s all I can say without sharing spoilers.

Razortooth made me shudder.

Filed Under: Reviews, Science Fiction/Fantasy Tagged With: , , , , , ,

The Thing Under Your Bed by Stephen Kozeniewski

February 2, 2024 By Leave a Comment


The Thing Under Your Bed by Stephen Kozeniewski
Publisher: French Press Publishing
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Paranormal, Contemporary
Rating: 4 Stars
Reviewed by Astilbe

There’s something under your bed.

It hates you. It wants to devour you and everyone you love.

Dad’s at work. Mom’s dead drunk and no help whatsoever.

Maybe your stuffed rabbit can help, since he seems to be alive and talking now. Then again, maybe that just means you’ve finally gone around the bend.

Whatever plan you come up with to survive the night, though, you’d better not let so much as a fingertip stray off your mattress. If you do, you’ll be ripped to bloody chunks by…

THE THING UNDER YOUR BED.

Fairy tales might not be pure fiction after all.

Childhood can be frightening for all sorts of different reasons. Ordinary things that make perfect sense to adults can feel terribly random and nonsensical to a kid. The fact that this particular little girl was also growing up with an abusive, alcoholic mother only deepened her confusion about how adults are supposed to behave and what rules someone should follow to stay safe. Some of my favorite scenes were the ones that explored the many types of fears kids can have, from the mundane ones about odd noises in the middle of the night to far more terrifying and dangerous ones.

This novella sometimes felt like it was written for adults but at other times seemed like it was intended for a much younger audience. I found myself wishing that the author would more fully commit himself to one of these audiences as this was far too gory for kids but also had a fairytale-like quality to the conflict and plot development that many children would find appealing if they didn’t know what they were getting into. Part of this was due to how young the unnamed protagonist was, of course, but I would have gone with a full five-star rating if the age group this was written for was clearer.

The narrator spent a great deal of time playing around with the idea that what she was experiencing may or may not have been real. For example, think of the sensation of waking up from a nightmare and not being alert enough yet to tell where bad dreams end and real life begins. This was one of several ways Mr. Kozeniewski challenged the readers’ assumptions about what was really happening and who should or should not be trusted as new plot twists were revealed. I enjoyed the process of testing out various theories as I waited to discover what would happen next.

The Thing Under Your Bed was deliciously scary.

Filed Under: Reviews, Science Fiction/Fantasy Tagged With: , , , , ,