Winter Blogfest: Dana Hammer

This post is part of Long and Short Reviews’ Winter Blogfest. Leave a comment for a chance to win one free copy of Fanny Fitzpatrick and the Brother Problem. 

The Nightmare of Caroling by Dana Hammer

It’s Christmas season, so naturally, a lot of blog posts are going to be about Christmas, the holidays, winter, etc. This is good news for me, because my new book, Fanny Fitzpatrick and the Brother Problem, takes place in December, and there are a lot of holiday themes going on in it. Yay for serendipitous promotion opportunities!

One of these holiday themes is Christmas caroling; specifically, a new character in the book HATES caroling. His name is Dion Isaacs, and he is the reincarnation of the Greek god, Dionysius. While doing research on Greek mythology, and Dionysius in particular, I learned that Christmas caroling (like lots of Christmas stuff) was first a pagan practice, where worshippers sang songs to and about Dionysius. So now, Dionysius hates Christmas caroling, because it reminds him of everything he’s lost, and how nobody worships him anymore. Christmas songs make him fly into a rage, and he hates carolers as if they are all personally insulting him.

Now, I don’t relate to Dion much. He’s an extrovert who loves parties and makes a lot of rash decisions. But on this one thing we can agree. Because…I also hate Christmas caroling.

Before all the Grinch and Scrooge comparisons start flowing, let me just say that this isn’t some “war on Christmas” thing. I love baking cookies and the Nutcracker and driving around looking at lights and I even like sending Christmas cards. But caroling…just no.

First of all, I don’t like unexpected guests, at all, and that includes family members and close friends. If you don’t give me a heads up before you come to my house, you will not be met with a warm welcome. I will not put my bra on for you. I will not feed you. I will not stop reading my book, or doing my chores, or watching my movie, just because you happened to show up on my doorstep. You need entertaining? That’s a you problem. You don’t like my incense or my dog licking you or the temperature I keep my home? Well, you should have called to prepare me so I could make adjustments for you. But you didn’t. So.

This is my attitude with people I know and love, and carolers are typically neither.

There are also weird social demands associated with receiving carolers. You have to stop what you’re doing and GO OUTSIDE IN THE COLD. AT NIGHT. Not only do I need to put on a bra, I need to put on boots and a coat. And then I have to just…stand there, listening to songs, that, frankly, aren’t that great. I know they’re traditional, and some of them are nice to listen to, but even the most beautiful song in the world sounds awful when you’re freezing and annoyed and have other things you need or want to be doing.

I’ve heard that some people love carolers and will even make them hot chocolate or cider and bring it out to them. I cannot discourage this practice strongly enough. If you like carolers, by all means, go listen to them, and clap, and say thank you (when you can get a word in edgewise.) But do not feed them. Do not give in to their demands for figgy pudding and shit. It only strengthens them and keeps them going in hopes of finding new and better treats.

In addition, it’s just a bad idea to hang out outdoors in cold weather, and we should all be ashamed of ourselves for condoning the practice. That’s how you freeze to death. It’s just irresponsible when you think about it. There is a time and place for Christmas songs, and it’s indoors.

And so, when Dion yells at my protagonist for her insensitive singing, know that I did not write this to make you hate him — on the contrary! I wrote this because he’s a fallen god, and when songs were sung to him, it was on a sunny Greek island, where there was no chance of frostbite. He’s just a lonely dude who misses the good old days, when people had sensible ideas about what should be done in the dark and the snow.

I hope if you check out my book, you’ll forgive him for his crankiness in this regard. You will be much less willing to forgive him for his other misdeeds.

There’s a new god in town, and his name is Dion. The reincarnation of the Greek god Dionysius, he has fallen on hard times after the failure of his wine business. Now he’s living at Athena’s house, partying, making messes, and generally disrupting everyone’s lives. Can Fanny get Dion under control, before he does something dangerous? Of course she can. She’s Fanny Fitzpatrick.

Dana Hammer is a playwright, screenwriter, short story writer, and novelist. Her screenplay, Red Wings, has been optioned by EMA Films, and her adult horror-comedy novel, The Cannibal’s Guide to Fasting, was released in September, 2022 by Cinnabar Moth Publishing. Her middle grade novel, My Best Friend Athena, was published by Cinnabar Moth in 2023, with a sequel coming February 6th, 2024. She was a Writer in Residence Hypatia in the Woods, in summer of 2022. She has received over seventy awards and honors for her writing, few of which generated income, all of which were deeply appreciated. Her works have been and will be published in many anthologies, journals, and magazines. Two of her one-act plays will be produced in 2024 by The Wayward Artist, and a few more of her one act plays have been produced by Force of Nature Productions. Many of her plays have received staged readings.

Website

https://www.amazon.com/Fanny-Fitzpatrick-Brother-Problem-Hammer/dp/1962308014
https://www.barnesandnoble.com/w/book/1144280278