Yes, I Am a Vampire by Stephen Kozeniewski
Publisher: French Press Publishing
Genre: Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Non-Fiction, Holiday, Contemporary, Historical
Rating: 5 Stars
Reviewed by AstilbeDespite all the evidence to the contrary, I swear I am not a vampire. Cross my heart and…eh, nevermind.
Just trust me, there are no vampires within these pages. Plenty of zombies, though. One of the short stories in this book features a zombie caveman, for instance. And another is called Exploding Shit Zombies. You can probably guess what that one’s about.
Not every story is zombie-themed, of course. I’ve also got a monster under the bed piece that’s pretty fucking scary. And in another, a bunch of little alien goblins take over a farmstead.
This isn’t just a short story collection, either. Half of it’s my autobiography. I guarantee you’ve never seen those two styles mashed together before.
I also guarantee you’ve never seen any fucking vampires before. Not here. Not anywhere. So let’s just drop it.
What do you mean, bloodstains all over the book? Don’t worry about those. Just wipe the gore off your fingers and dive in to…
Yes, I Am A Vampire
Truth and fiction are sometimes opposite faces of the same coin.
Before I dive into this collection, let’s talk about the notes that were included after each instalment to explain how the author came up with them and, in some cases, got them published. I’m the sort of reader who loves learning this sort of background information and always reads it. There were so many exciting tidbits here, many of which helped me enjoy certain stories even more than I had before. I definitely recommend checking out these sections if you don’t normally read them. They were well worth my time.
This may be the first time a swear word has ever appeared in one of my reviews for Long and Short Reviews, but I can’t talk about “Exploding Shit Zombies” without breaking that social convention for a moment. May my editor forgive me! Yes, the premise is exactly what it sounds like, and this fan of undead fiction who knows better than to use the common word for such creatures was quite curious to discover why these walkers are so full of, ahem, feces in this universe. The reason made a great deal of sense and made me wonder why this topic isn’t covered more often in this subgenre. I also enjoyed the jokes sprinkled throughout this one. They fit the tongue-in-cheek tone of it well.
The prehistoric setting of “The Man with Four Scars” grabbed my attention immediately, especially once I realized this was set at a time when hominids had just begun speaking a few words to each other but had not yet come up with the concept of names yet. The protagonist – or maybe I should say antagonist – was a violent and impulsive individual who was terribly jealous of anyone who was more intelligent than him. Creating such an unlikable main character is a brave choice even for the horror genre, and I kept reading as I wondered if there was going to be a moment when I was anything other than irritated by and frightened of the danger he posed to the other members of his tribe. My fingers are crossed I will find more prehistoric horror in the future as this was deliciously chilling to read.
Let’s see if I can include one of my favorite pieces, “The Old Man and the Seesaw,” in here without giving away any spoilers about it. This was set in a universe where there was a grey area between life and death that more and more folks were beginning to inhabit, and it specifically shared how the first person to survive in this hazy place managed to do so. I was impressed with how creative this was, especially given the vivid descriptions of what happened and how the living characters reacted to it.
One of my favorite parts of being a book reviewer is getting to know more about the authors who submit their work for review. It doesn’t happen all the time, of course, but every so often I get to read a funny anecdote about the author’s life in the preface or learn more about how their mind works by reading the notes some writers are generous enough to include after each short story in a collection or anthology. While I’ve never met Mr. Kozeniewski, reading this made me feel like I was fortunate enough to go out to a pub or a coffee house with him for a few hours and hear about some of the many creative ideas rattling around in his skull.
Yes, I Am a Vampire reminded me why I love this author’s work so much. What a treat!
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